josh is stupid and boring and self-centered and stupid and has crabs

I was walking home from Sacred Noise yesterday when the most brilliant inspiration I've had in months came to me. At 3rd and 11th I saw some brah with a GAP Athletic and it dawned on me: GAPathetic... Clothing for hipster wannabes.

Now that the whole post new wave musical thing is en vogue outside of downtown Manhattan thanks to uber-shitty bands like The Killers and The Bravery, middle america needs duds to match the tunes.

Here's how I see it: The Gap starts a clothing line called GAPathetic consisting solely of jeans and t-shirts. The jeans would be cut exactly the same for girls and boys (to eschew any hint of classic sexuality) and range in size from 24/24 to 32/32. The Gap could employ an army of homeless Chinese who wear each pair for a month to get the wear and odor perfectly hipsterrific. T-shirts would be sized XXXS to M and they could have clever, sarcastic slogans like

"How GAPathetic? I dunno, I hadn't really thought about it."

or

"GAPathetic. It's kinda like GAP Atheletic, except we don't run or catch or play sports."

I think it's fuckin genius, but then again I'm conceited.

TomKat- Tom is currently fucking the brains out of Katie Holmes. In between rounds he reads her Scientology: Auditor's Handbook and Battlefield Earth.

Nick and Jessica- Unfortunately these two are in a bit of a rough patch due to Jessica getting double-teamed by Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera on the set of The Dukes of Hazzard.

Justin and Cameron- Still not doing anything interesting.

Bennifer 2- Ben and Jen are planning their wedding down to the last detail. A particularly contentious point has been whose publicist gets to call it off at the last second.

Brad and Angelina- Hopefully they are in a hotel room at some global chakra point (on top of Mt. Arrarat, the geographical north pole, the exact center of Los Angelos) working towards the repopulation of Earth with their seed.

Top Five Songs Ruling My Life Right Now:

1.) Bang, Bang by Nancy Sinatra (listen right now)

2.) Dry The Rain by The Beta Band (I can do that, I just don't wanna)

3.) Love Is Only A Feeling by The Darkness (um, nice chorus... boy I came late to that one)

4.) A Long Ryhme Coming by Celph Titled (freestyler than you)

5.) the next good song on the weezer record (jk, there aren't any)

6.) um, Nancy Sinatra again?

Dear Rivers,
It's been some time since we spoke/communed/wept quietly on the floor of my bedroom, and a lot's happened. You put out a couple of new records, you banged some Asian groupies... But there were hard times as well. In your cover article on Rolling Stone you bemoaned how emotionally bereft you've been recently. You gave up all of your posessions (I think I saw your Sponge Bob soapdish on eBay...), you moved into a humble apartment around the corner from Rick Rubin, and you became celibate. Man, you're kinda like Jesus or Buddha or one of those guys, huh?

Anyway, I thought it was time for us to reconnect and address the problems we've been having lately. Rivers, well, the thing is... I'm just not that into you anymore. At first there was the spark of an emotional bond. You know, long walks late at night talking about our grandparents, or surfing, or whatever crossed our minds. And the guitar solos! They weren't anything wild and experimental, but there was a force of passion that made them so satisfying.

Now it feels like we've lost something. I don't know exactly what's missing. Maybe you've changed, maybe I have. Whatever's happened, the spark that first drew us together is gone. Sure, the choruses are still anthemic, but I just don't feel them in my gut the same way. Even the solos are just kind of the same old thing. Yeah, the talkbox is awesome on "Beverly Hills," and I thank heaven that Rick Rubin came into our lives when he did. I don't think we would even have lasted this long if he hadn't.

But now Rivers... It's over. I just can't keep praying for you to turn it around even as I watch you fall farther and farther from what you once were, so I'm ending it. From now on we're casual acquaintences who make small talk at parties about Ashlee Simpson or the latest Spike Jonze joint. I guess it's ok... I'm just sorry it had to end on "Haunt You Every Day" instead of "Butterfly."


Josh